Memorial services and remembrance activities play an important part in the healing process and can facilitate grieving and recovery after the death of a loved one. However, in the case of a death by suspected suicide the issue is complicated as those exposed to and impacted by suicide are at risk of adverse health impacts including being influenced to engage in suicidal behaviours themselves. These are referred to as suicide exposure effects.

Death notices, memorials and remembrance activities need to strike a delicate balance between creating appropriate opportunities for people to grieve but not increasing risk of harm including suicidal behaviour through either the shaming or sensationalising of suicide.

Recommendations when facilitating death notices, memorials and remembrance activities

Be mindful of language about suicide:

• To te Ra encourages the use of language which more accurately and safely describes the event and that is focussed on resilience which may help prevent suicide exposure effects and reduce the risk of further impact.
• If there is a public memorial, whether a public event or via digital/social media platforms, encourage safe messaging that aims to promote healing, wellbeing and help seeking and be respectful of the immediate family and how they may view expressions related to their loved one.

Include whānau in planning events:

• Openly referring the death as a suicide in the planning of or at the event should be initiated by and with the permission of the bereaved whanau. If whanau choose to disclose that the death has been by suspected suicide, we encourage the use of language which avoids the suicide being seen as “successful”, “completed”, like a crime “committed” or shameful in any way. Instead, use phrases such as “died by suicide”, “took his/her/their life”, “ended his/her/their life”.
• Memorials organised by individuals and groups outside of the grieving family should seek the permission of the family when planning the event. Activity focused memorials might include a day of collective remembrance e.g. Candlelight vigil, peer led support groups, talanoa, events celebrating the person’s life, community service, holding health and awareness events.

Reduce stigma of suicide and grieving:

• Where open disclosure of suicide is being made at the funeral or remembrance activity, consider naming suicide prevention organisations to receive donations which helps to reduce the stigma and shame so often associated with suicide.
• Normalise grieving and show respect for the deceased while avoiding glamorising the suicide and its cause.
  Be mindful when speaking about the deceased being “at peace” as this can influence others who are dealing with psychological pain to also seek that peace or escape via suicide.

Include culture:

• Be mindful of the specific cultural needs of ethnic communities.
• Acknowledge the importance of cultural leaders and community guidance in memorial practices. Specific references to Tikanga Māori, Pacific protocols etc are essential and helpful (e.g. the role of collective grief, church leadership, whanau spokesperson, protocols around unveilings and remembrance).
• Different cultures will have their own ways and timeframes of acknowledging their loved ones passing. Iwi, hapū and whānau will determine when a memorial or hura kōhatu (the unveiling of the headstone) will take place. Significant dates for memorials and remembrance activities for the loved one/s such as birthdays or the 12th month since the date of death should be carefully supported.

Be aware of individual responses:

• While some people may be able to focus on the positive life accomplishments of the deceased, others may still be coming to terms with the suicide death. We acknowledge that people navigate grief differently and we recommend being respectful to the diversity of grief responses.
• Every suicide is the worst possible outcome of distressing life problems and circumstances. Avoid normalising suicide as a reasonable response to such life events. Rather, normalise conversations about suicide and explore pathways in seeking help and support.

Offer reassurance and support:

• Reassure family, friends and other bereaved that they are not to blame.
• Share information about resources, helplines and supports which are available for those who may be impacted by the loss.
• Young people have different ways of grieving. Where young people are needing additional support, encourage them to reach out to a trusted adult or service.
• Where memorials take place, agencies may provide Tō te Rā guidelines around safe memorials and remembrance activities whilst offering culturally appropriate support before and after this important ritual.

Practice caution with permanent memorials:

• Avoid permanent memorials as these have been known to facilitate the suicidal acts of others, particularly youth.
• There may be situations where permanent memorials will be erected. This is understandable but any permanent memorial may also serve as a traumatic reminder or trigger for those impacted and therefore the safety of any permanent memorial should be carefully considered. Some permanent memorials or ceremonies may need monitoring to ensure that those attending are safe and have access to supports. Where a memorial is deemed to create further risk and harm, discussions with the appropriate people will be required to consider removing it in a respectful way.